sin city [29.05.26]; 1:17 AM
26 may; day 1
barely made it to the graduation in time. i ended up at my motel around 30 minutes before i had to take the bus down there, so i got ready really quickly and headed down to the center. i had to meet my mom down there, which was probably the part of this trip i was looking forward to the least. but regardless, i sat down with her and my littlest brother and just tried to let the hours pass to cheer on my brother when he got his diploma. after all the names we started gathering outside to regroup since we were all in different parts of the venue. i met [my brother's friend from out-of-state], saw my grandparents, my [bio-]dad and his spouse, my piece-of-shit uncle, and then my brothers. we talked for a minute, and then decided we'd be meeting up at my mom's house to hang out a bit. i got to talk to my [bio-]dad, and enjoyed talking to him and his spouse. most of my time spent at my mom's house was dinner and talking to my brother and his friend. my brother had asked me if i wanted to see Obsession with them, so i said yes and ended up being the chauffer. the movie was incredible, i've already ranted about it on my letterboxd, you can check it out there. i got to my mom's house around 12 AM, and waited nearly an hour for a Lyft to get to my motel. at this point i was practically falling in and out of consciousness, but i did finally get back into my room and pass out on the bed.
27 may; day 2
me, my brother, my [bio-]dad, and his spouse all made plans to go to an escape room. my brother had to deal with some graduation stuff in the early-afternoon, so me and my [bio-]dad and his spouse hung around the mall. i went to [a popular themed cafe] and got some souvenirs. we went to [a popular indoor attraction] and got sushi while we waited for my brother to be dropped off. we did the escape room, which i actually enjoyed more than i thought i might, and then bought tickets for [a popular themed indoor attraction] and hung out in there for a couple hours. we got burgers at this casino, since it was the only place open, and talked the rest of the night until we all got rideshares to our respective homes.
28 may; day 3
my mom wanted me and my brother to spend alone tim with my littlest brother as just us 3 kids, which i was on board with. but the older brother wasn't feeling well so me and the littlest brother just went to the mall and hung out. we got pizza at a restaurant, walked around the mall and the shops outside, and bought some stuff. i went to my mom's place after with my piece-of-shit uncle and my mom, and had dinner and hung out with my brothers for most of the time. my brother was feeling better, thankfully, and i stayed until 9:30-ish until i got a ride home.
29 may; day 4
i should be packing my things right now, but i'm so tired. i'll probably do it right after i post this because i don't want to leave anything. plus ill be able to get a couple hours of sleep before i have to get up at 4 AM to head to the airport. i have mixed feelings about the trip. having to be nice to my mom and piece-of-shit uncle was actually grating, but i did like seeing my extended family and hanging out with my brothers. and i do enjoy doing all of the tourist-y stuff in the city.
the home stretch [26.05.26]; 8:47 AM
well i managed to get some sleep last night, admittedly not a lot and not for long, but i did get some sleep. i was able to fall asleep in 1-hour intervals shortly after midnight, and i've been awake awake since 5 AM. luckily it's almost time for my flight. it's about 2-and-a-half hours, so i'll be able to just conk out for most of it. i'm also hoping to take a power nap once i get to my hotel, but i don't know how viable that's gonna be. my best bet is to go to bed hella early tonight so i don't die of exhaustion.
russian sleep experiment [25.05.26]; 11:41 PM
wow i was so drunk i didn't even finish the last blog. oh well. i'm not drunk right now, although i wish i was, because maybe i could pass out inside this airport in a drunken stupor and finally get some sleep.
i've been up since 5 AM getting everything ready before my flight, i took an hour cat nap before i had to leave for work, i worked from 9 AM to 4 PM, left for the airport at 5 PM, and my flight is now delayed until 11 AM tomorrow (it was supposed to leave at 9 PM tonight). ive tried falling asleep in the airport chairs, but the overhead light is so bright and the announcements are so loud. so i've resorted to coding. hopefully i can get so tired that i just pass out for 5 hours or so. i found out about the delay on my way home from work, and i could've theoretically waited at home until tomorrow and then arrive. but from i heard from people online, sometimes delays can become "un-delayed" and leave at their regular times. and i absolutely can't miss my flight, so i figured better to be early and miserable than late and miserable. okay. im going to try and sleep again, wish me luck
drunk [22.05.26]; 10:51 PM
i'm between tipsy-and drunk right now, almost done polishing
heart attack [20.05.26]; 8:29 PM
i'm leaving on a trip to [famous tourist-y city] soon for my brother's high school graduation, and i nearly had a heart attack after realizing (5 days before my flight) that i had no RealID OR Passport. i desperately searched the web for a half hour trying to find a way to expedite either of these ASAP but with no luck. thank fucking christ TSA has an option for idiots like me to pay a $45 fee to get through without one. so now i can relax and do the fun stuff, like packing and planning outfits
i've been to [famous tourist-y city] once before, and ive been to the state a handful of times (i was actually born there, but i left once i was a baby so i still consider myself pnw-born-and-raised) but this is my first time getting there without my family. just me. i'm pretty anxious, but once i get through i'm hoping it'll be smooth sailing.
left-turn: my friend just graduated college. she's doing a stay in [not america] for a science thing. i dunno what it actually is specifically, i'm too dumb to understand it. but i have to wait for her to get back to give her her graduation present which is (nice try █████). i have to give it some finishing touches, and it'll be ready for when she's in the states again.
anyways, im gonna get off neocities and actually pack now.
summer [19.05.26]; 9:14 PM
summer is such an addicting season. i've always been grateful to have a summer birthday. every kid loves summer, obviously, but even after i graduated high school, the magic of summer never went away. i love everything about summer. i love hot weather, the clothing. i love going to bonfires and lakes and summer shows. i'm so excited for summer, even though it's basically already summer. i need to make a gameplan. nothing out of John Madden's playbook, no crazy plays or strict itinerary, just a bucket list and a list of shows that are happening. there is a youthfulness to summer that i chase, even as i get older.
isolation [18.05.26]; 9:06 PM
keeping up connections with people has been so hard recently. im supposed to go to my grandmothers every week to drive my dads car (so it doesn't stall), and slowly over the last two months ive been going less and less. it started with every week, then its become every other week, and now it's been almost three weeks. i know i absolutely have to be there this sunday because i have to pick up a graduation gift for my brother that i'm meant to give him once i fly out-of-state to go to his ceremony. i took the day off of work today, i'm hoping i don't get in trouble for it. i haven't really been replying to dms. which is not technically unusual for me, but it's a lot worse now than it's been. ive been holed up in my apartment all of yesterday and today. i woke up at 12 PM and now it's almost 9 and i've done absolutely nothing but code.
ever since my dad died i've been keeping mental notes of who is a part of my life still. family, friends, acquaintances. my uncle L████ and mom are dead to me, my dad is (literally) dead, i don't really have a relationship with my biological dad, i have no real excuse to talk to my uncle R██ (and don't particularly like him anyways), i haven't had an actual real conversation with my friends in ages, and my brothers are out-of-state with my mom. i know what i should do, reach out and communicate and whathaveyou. but i just don't feel like i can. i barely feel alive. i keep stalking my friends tumblrs and neocities, obsessively checking their last updates or statuses. but i still can't gather the courage to reach out.
i think about my dad a lot at work. i don't realy talk to my coworkers and most of the tasks at work are silent ones, so i end up with a lot of time to think. since i can't give him updates on my life over the phone anymore, i usually visit his grave to update him on my life. i can only go out there when i take his car out (there's no way to get there by bus) at my grandmothers place, which only makes me feel worse for playing depressive hooky. last time i went out i almost made it through without crying, until i hugged his headstone. that always hurts no matter how good i'm feeling that day. it's like a fucked-up kind of grounding that reminds me no matter how much i talk to him, i'm still just talking to a headstone.
shows and ihop [17.05.26]; 10:13 PM
one of my friends in the scene played their first show as a band at a park last night. he's pretty well-known, so there was a decent turnout.it was obvious it was their first show, they lost tempo a couple times and had some technical issues (though not all their fault, i don't know what was up with the sound guy but the mics were barely audible for. like. the whole show), but they absolutely have the stage presence. they just need to work out the kinks.
my friend and his friend were there (i met him at said friends birthday in december), we all hung out for a minute after the show. i met one of their friends. after a minute they floated the idea of going out for food so i asked to tag along. we went to an iHop near my place, and it was super fun. found out my friend broke up with their partner, got to know their other friend more, he's cool. i really can't appreciate the community of the seattle music scene enough.
landlords are evil [14.05.26]; 8:07 PM
my apartment has decided to scam me out of -$10 every month by shutting down my online portal before the first of the month, and because it's fucking impossible to get in contact with them i end up paying my rent 5 days late. and since my aparment changed their staff internally, i wasn't even actually contacting the right person. and then come the 10th, i get a notice to pay/vacate. so i call the office, and they pick up and i talk to the dude who tells me it should be open now. so i say thanks, and keep refreshing my page. but the end of the day comes, and it's not open. so i check my email, and the manager sends me a barcode that i'm supposed to bring to a clerk at a grocery store to scan. so i reply back and say something like "i talked to someone earlier and they said my portal would be open, and it isn't. i just got a notice to pay/vacate, and paying online is the most convenient. can you open it?" and the lady responds "unfortunately we can't open it, use the other payment option." and at this point, i've been dealing with this terrible new management for months now so i reply back with a bit of attitude: "how was the last management able to open it?" and they said "due to dings on your record (from when i tried to pay in march but accidentally forgot to move money into my account) we can't open it for you." and i was pissed, because that's just straight up not true. so i reply back with more attitude and say "so i have to go to the grocery store every month when i want to pay my rent? can i get this 'privilege' back?" and FINALLY, finally, the person responds and says "i can talk to the owner about opening your portal" and i respond, verbatim, "Thank you." this is the same new management that changed the locks on my apartment from locks to keypad and didn't tell me, and THEN didn't send me the new code until an hour and a half later (after i'd already worked 8.5 hours). i genuinely can't wait to be out of this place.
"high school experience" [06.05.26]; 8:04 PM
i used to daydream in high school about having my own "high school experience," aka the kind of thing you'd see in a romcom. parties, underage drinking, sex. and for context, this was before i knew i was aromantic AND before i was out as non-binary, so it was a lot of cheesy wattpad "falling in love with a jock" type of stuff. but once covid hit during my junior year, the dreams of that ever happening were basically crushed (even though it definitely wouldn't have happened regardless). and i didn't go to college after high school, so i never really thought i'd ever go to a party. my perpetual high school daydreaming became perpetual college daydreaming.
if you're someone who doesn't like partying or getting drunk or smoking or going to bars or clubbing, this probably sounds like conceited sorority stuff. but i don't care. i enjoy myself at parties, and i like making drunken small talk with strangers. and at 22, i'm basically doing all of this and having the experiences i dreamed about in high school. obviously this didn't just happen because of god or manifestation or whatever, most of these parties are from people i've met in my local scene and they came about because i talked to people. but i dunno, if anyone is in the position young me was in, just give yourself grace.
fatigue [05.05.26]; 8:40 PM
i just watched a new Nick Crowley video about what on the surface seems like a potentially alarming website which actually ended up being a far more alarming website run by Nadia Marcinko, a sex trafficker for jeffrey epstein. and it got me thinking about the epstein files again. it's so easy to forget about because of how many Watergate-level scandals seem to happen in america every week, which is exactly what they want, but every time i sit down and really digest what's happening it infuriates me. politicians are dragging these victims through a never ending purgatory where not a single fucking one of epsteins ultra-wealthy buddies is going to be given justice. and all the people involved are treating this like one big joke. they gave a bunch of fucking scumbag grifters a fake folder full of files for a photoshoot. they RICKROLLED people asking for the files. they said there was no client list, and then they said there were no files, and then they said the files were a hoax. and then, after months of nagging, they finally released them. with a bunch of redactions for the Epstein crew, and shoddy redactions for victims, and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. the government is full of sex traffickers and rapists and pedos, and NOTHING is happening to them. and the absolute worst part, is that trumps supporters will plug their ears and sing "lalala!" as their god defends the most notorious child sex trafficker of all time. but whatever, the DOW is at 50K
new tattoo !!! [01.05.26]; 7:53 PM
ive been itching to get another tattoo for soooo long. my last one was my banana-suit sackboy which i got a little more than a year ago. ive been getting more hours and i get good pay at my job, so i can finally start getting them more often. i went to the shop i usually go to, but i got a different artist this time. she specializes in fine line so the lines are SUUUPER crisp. the tattoo is from the cover of the Transistor Revolt EP, the (technically) first release from Rise Against before they were named Rise Against. it has four demo versions of songs later released on Rise Against's debut The Unraveling; Reception Fades, The Art of Losing, Two (later renamed 401 Kill), and Join the Ranks. the design is really simple but i really like it. and it's in a spot i haven't gotten a tattoo in yet. the placement was kinda last minute but i think it's perfect. didn't hurt that bad. i mean, all tattoos hurt, but i think this was probably like a 4/10. there was a spot towards the top where i felt almost nothing. it was kinda funny.
cosplay [26.04.26]; 8:56 PM
i don't feel like i'm a good person. i think about this a lot, i just feel like i'm cosplaying a good person to the people around me. or like i'm just virtue signaling. even now, as i type this, i keep thinking about how this sounds to the people viewing this. like i'm fishing for sympathy. i'm really not. i feel like im trying to atone for the person i used to be as a young person. i was a liar, a bully, and an asshole. i was an annoying anti-sjw kid who said terrible and stupid things, raised by conservatives and christians, and i only overcame it in my early years of high school. i've ruined friendships because of my incessant lying. i try and do the decoding, the unlearning, and i do try my best to be as good of person as i can. but i don't know if i will ever get to a point where i don't feel this guilt.