"high school experience" [06.05.26]; 8:04 PM
i used to daydream in high school about having my own "high school experience," aka the kind of thing you'd see in a romcom. parties, underage drinking, sex. and for context, this was before i knew i was aromantic AND before i was out as non-binary, so it was a lot of cheesy wattpad "falling in love with a jock" type of stuff. but once covid hit during my junior year, the dreams of that ever happening were basically crushed (even though it definitely wouldn't have happened regardless). and i didn't go to college after high school, so i never really thought i'd ever go to a party. my perpetual high school daydreaming became perpetual college daydreaming.
if you're someone who doesn't like partying or getting drunk or smoking or going to bars or clubbing, this probably sounds like conceited sorority stuff. but i don't care. i enjoy myself at parties, and i like making drunken small talk with strangers. and at 22, i'm basically doing all of this and having the experiences i dreamed about in high school. obviously this didn't just happen because of god or manifestation or whatever, most of these parties are from people i've met in my local scene and they came about because i talked to people. but i dunno, if anyone is in the position young me was in, just give yourself grace.
fatigue [05.05.26]; 8:40 PM
i just watched a new Nick Crowley video about what on the surface seems like a potentially alarming website which actually ended up being a far more alarming website run by Nadia Marcinko, a sex trafficker for jeffrey epstein. and it got me thinking about the epstein files again. it's so easy to forget about because of how many Watergate-level scandals seem to happen in america every week, which is exactly what they want, but every time i sit down and really digest what's happening it infuriates me. politicians are dragging these victims through a never ending purgatory where not a single fucking one of epsteins ultra-wealthy buddies is going to be given justice. and all the people involved are treating this like one big joke. they gave a bunch of fucking scumbag grifters a fake folder full of files for a photoshoot. they RICKROLLED people asking for the files. they said there was no client list, and then they said there were no files, and then they said the files were a hoax. and then, after months of nagging, they finally released them. with a bunch of redactions for the Epstein crew, and shoddy redactions for victims, and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. the government is full of sex traffickers and rapists and pedos, and NOTHING is happening to them. and the absolute worst part, is that trumps supporters will plug their ears and sing "lalala!" as their god defends the most notorious child sex trafficker of all time. but whatever, the DOW is at 50K
new tattoo !!! [01.05.26]; 7:53 PM
ive been itching to get another tattoo for soooo long. my last one was my banana-suit sackboy which i got a little more than a year ago. ive been getting more hours and i get good pay at my job, so i can finally start getting them more often. i went to the shop i usually go to, but i got a different artist this time. she specializes in fine line so the lines are SUUUPER crisp. the tattoo is from the cover of the Transistor Revolt EP, the (technically) first release from Rise Against before they were named Rise Against. it has four demo versions of songs later released on Rise Against's debut The Unraveling; Reception Fades, The Art of Losing, Two (later renamed 401 Kill), and Join the Ranks. the design is really simple but i really like it. and it's in a spot i haven't gotten a tattoo in yet. the placement was kinda last minute but i think it's perfect. didn't hurt that bad. i mean, all tattoos hurt, but i think this was probably like a 4/10. there was a spot towards the top where i felt almost nothing. it was kinda funny.
cosplay [26.04.26]; 8:56 PM
i don't feel like i'm a good person. i think about this a lot, i just feel like i'm cosplaying a good person to the people around me. or like i'm just virtue signaling. even now, as i type this, i keep thinking about how this sounds to the people viewing this. like i'm fishing for sympathy. i'm really not. i feel like im trying to atone for the person i used to be as a young person. i was a liar, a bully, and an asshole. i was an annoying anti-sjw kid who said terrible and stupid things, raised by conservatives and christians, and i only overcame it in my early years of high school. i've ruined friendships because of my incessant lying. i try and do the decoding, the unlearning, and i do try my best to be as good of person as i can. but i don't know if i will ever get to a point where i don't feel this guilt.