memories

for my 18th birthday my mom got me a taser and pepper spray. and i remember sitting at the dining table, with that blank cardboard box in my hands, just thinking. "are you fucking serious? i don't get an actual present? i just get a reminder that i am a piece of meat?" because my parents are victim blamers. so even if i take all the "right" precautions and something still happens, i knew it would be my fault no matter what.

i remember asking my mom to go to the movies with my friends. they were all guys ("guys" being a loose term since we were all. like. 13.) and she basically said no because they were all male. and i was a "girl." and, im not exaggerating, tried to imply all of my friends were rapists and that they almost definitely would take adantage of me. and my dad spun a whole fake story about how this exact scenario happened to a friend of his because thats what he does when he wants to win an argument

i remember my mom calling me a slut for doing the :* face in photos. i was around 13 at the time. she didn't use that exact word, i believe she said something along the lines of "stop doing that face. doing [the kissy face] in pictures makes you look like..." and then she trailed off. i understood what she was getting at, but my dad chimed in because he didn't get it and she said "a word that starts with S" insinuating that i was acting like a bimbo essentially. and my dad just kind of agreed with her like "oh... yeah"

i have a vague memory of being pulled out of elementary school to point at body parts on a chart. it had to have been before 2nd grade (one of the few memories i have before second grade)

i remember pranking █████ by putting a bunch of chunky glitter in his bed, and when ███████ and mom found out in the morning they got extremely mad and ███████ said something like "i wouldn't have been mad if he had punched you in the face because i would too" and made me vacuum it up

i have a very faint memory of trying to sing today by the smashing pumpkins on guitar hero. i wasn't very good and i remember ███████ telling me it was a hard song (trying to make me feel better)

i remember when i was in high school art class (the first time freshman year) i sat at a table of seniors. one day i was laughing with them and covered my mouth because i hated my smile and one of the guys told me "don't hide it, let it out" or something to that effect

i remember my mom trying to shove me into her van and bring me to Utah to be with her internet boyfriend. i was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt with a red trim, i think it was some sort of 4th of july thing, and sweatpants. i remember having to literally fight with my mom in order to get out of the back of her van, and when i actually got away i remember running down the road for my life and getting away from her. i don't think i had ever known what it felt like to run for my life until that very moment. i remember dming ████ on messenger telling ███████ to come home because mom was trying to take me. i don't remember what happened after he got home.

i remember my mom literally breaking my door off of its bottom hinge trying to get into my room. it's still broken.

i remember my mom convincing ███████ to kick me out of the house, and when i actually started packing things into a bag they backtracked. i remember ███████ telling me i couldn't even sleep in my car because i was a minor and it was still under my moms name.

i remember buying flowers (not like, a bouquet, like a literal pot of flowers you buy at home depot) and candy hearts for █████ in middle school while he was dating ████████ because i thought i had a crush on him. i remember giving it to him during exploratory and not looking at him the entire rest of the day, and i remember later in the day he texted me and something like "thanks for the valentines day stuff"

i remember meeting a homeless man at the bus stop by my job and he complimented my battle jacket. i remember him showing me a jacket he had and i remember telling him i liked it. i remember him being there with a woman too.

i remember ████████ threatening to rip my headphones in half because i wore them too often (?) or something. i remember crying my eyes out because they were one of the few things that kept me sane. everytime he jokes about breaking them now, i wonder if he remembers this. i don't think he realized how much it affected me.

EDIT [04.01.25]: it was because i listened to music too often

i remember me and █████ and █████ eating mexican food in the large banquet room and talking about things. we talked about our religion and religious trauma and our families. the food was really good.