memories

i remember when i was in high school art class (the first time freshman year) i sat at a table of seniors. one day i was laughing with them and covered my mouth because i hated my smile and one of the guys told me "don't hide it, let it out" or something to that effect

i remember my mom trying to shove me into her van and bring me to Utah to be with her internet boyfriend. i was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt with a red trim, i think it was some sort of 4th of july thing, and sweatpants. i remember having to literally fight with my mom in order to get out of the back of her van, and when i actually got away i remember running down the road for my life and getting away from her. i don't think i had ever known what it felt like to run for my life until that very moment. i remember dming ████ on messenger telling ███████ to come home because mom was trying to take me. i don't remember what happened after he got home.

i remember my mom literally breaking my door off of its bottom hinge trying to get into my room. it's still broken.

i remember my mom convincing ███████ to kick me out of the house, and when i actually started packing things into a bag they backtracked. i remember ███████ telling me i couldn't even sleep in my car because i was a minor and it was still under my moms name.

i remember buying flowers (not like, a bouquet, like a literal pot of flowers you buy at home depot) and candy hearts for █████ in middle school while he was dating ████████ because i thought i had a crush on him. i remember giving it to him during exploratory and not looking at him the entire rest of the day, and i remember later in the day he texted me and something like "thanks for the valentines day stuff"

i remember meeting a homeless man at the bus stop by my job and he complimented my battle jacket. i remember him showing me a jacket he had and i remember telling him i liked it. i remember him being there with a woman too.

i remember ████████ threatening to rip my headphones in half because i wore them too often (?) or something. i remember crying my eyes out because they were one of the few things that kept me sane. everytime he jokes about breaking them now, i wonder if he remembers this. i don't think he realized how much it affected me.

i remember me and █████ and █████ eating mexican food in the large banquet room and talking about things. we talked about our religion and religious trauma and our families. the food was really good.