i discovered i was aromantic sometime in late high school. i stumbled across a tiktok called "how to know if you're a lesbian." i knew i wasn't a lesbian, i'd never felt any types of romantic/sexual feelings towards women, but for whatever reason i still watched it. the first few bullet points were centered around the actual attraction towards women, which is expected. but then, she brought up "comphet" or compulsory heterosexuality; the example the creator brought up was the idea of "choosing" to have a crush on men. and the more she talked about it, the more it made me realize that there was something more to myself and my identity than i thought. the difference between me and the closeted lesbians i imagine stumbled across this video, is that they probably realized they liked women. while i discovered, i liked no one.

i knew i was sexually attracted to men, but i had never once felt the so-called "butterflies" that were promised to me. this combination caused a lot of feelings of guilt and shame, because society doesn't like when you want sex but not romance. you're either superficial or slutty or immature or all of the above. so i tried to force myself to feel these crushes, which only ended up fueling the confusion and subsequent shame at failing. i have a lot of diary entries around this time talking about how alone i felt, and how i was such a bad person simply for existing the way i am.

after discovering this revelation, i googled something like "what is it called when you like no one" and discovered the term aromantic. which, i know every queer person telling their self-discovery story says this, but i genuinely felt such a relief to know there were other people like me in the world.

this was also my first introduction into being queer. at the time i still identified as a straight girl, and aromantic was the first queer label i ever adopted (after some good old fashioned imposter syndrome).

aromantic people are not widely discussed, and doubly aromantics who aren't ace, so i always feel a duty to my people to be as open and proud about it as possible. i have patches, pins, and even as i type this i have a big aromantic pride flag on the wall beside me. i want other questioning aros to know that they aren't broken or evil or doomed in life.

The Aromantic-Anarchists Pillars of Living - [09.08.24]

Prologue: The disclaimer

I use the idea of "choosing to love" a lot in this writing. It may seem hypocritical that I, someone who touts aromanticism as a born-identity like gayness or transness, am saying something as obviously backwards as this. I don't want you to think of that phrase literally, though. Because as I've learned through the entirety of my aromantic life, "love" doesn't have a set definition. Love is discussed in alloromantic circles with non-answers. "You'll know when you feel it," was something I heard constantly, so it was no wonder I felt broken when I never did. When I use "chose to love," I'm talking about the choice to be intimate— physically, mentally, emotionally —regardless of your actual attraction levels.

Idea I: Discrimination

Aromantic people experience unique forms of discrimination that are underrepresented in queer intersectionalism, often considered unimportant or even juvenile.

Aromantics who don't participate in dating culture or amatonormative relationships become social oddities. This is especially true of aromantics who still partake in sexual acts, and doubly when those are promiscuous. Aromantics who do aren't considered at all in the public's limited consciousness of the idea of aromanticism.

Aromanticism is often a footnote to asexuality, barely ever talked about as it's own concept. The rise of "anti-SAM" or "anti-split attraction model" aromantics does further harm to this. Not in their own detachment with the term, but their consistent antagonism and dissection of what they claim as a flawed model.

A lack of romantic attraction by an individual in modern society is always taken as attraction to a different gender unless outwardly stated, with public knowledge of aromanticism being nearly none. This is both a cause and effect of a lack of aromantic representation in the media.

Unconsidering beliefs and actions towards aromantic people are often present inside our own community. Queer activism often begins and ends with the freedom to love. "Love is love," is an inherently exclusionary motto and still one of the most popular slogans used. Because "love" is pedestaled to the forefront with little regard to the queer people who don't experience it.

Idea II: The pillars of aromanticism

1. The toppling of tradition and heteronormativity, whether choosing to partake in romantic relationships or not. The lack of romance, deeply required in the populations idea of relationships, is inherently radical.
2. The acception of your aromantic identity is an (ironically) loving act of selfishness. One that puts yourself above the familial, societal, and religious expectations that "love" is required of. In this way, your choice to "love" those around you is a personal one, not an allo-biological one.

Idea III: What now?

1. Dismantle the nuclear family that exists in your mind. Practice relationship anarchy. Remember the best friend who abandoned you for their partner. Become angry.
2. The intersection of aromanticism and other forms of queerness often leads way to uniquely difficult struggles, both internal and external. You cannot let it take a backseat to your other identities.
3. Love on your own terms, if you chose to "love" at all.