The Aromantic-Anarchists Pillars of Living - [09.08.24]

Prologue: The disclaimer

I use the idea of "choosing to love" a lot in this writing. It may seem hypocritical that I, someone who touts aromanticism as a born-identity like gayness or transness, am saying something as obviously backwards as this. I don't want you to think of that phrase literally, though. Because as I've learned through the entirety of my aromantic life, "love" doesn't have a set definition. Love is discussed in alloromantic circles with non-answers. "You'll know when you feel it," was something I heard constantly, so it was no wonder I felt broken when I never did. When I use "chose to love," I'm talking about the choice to be intimate— physically, mentally, emotionally —regardless of your actual attraction levels.

Idea I: Discrimination

Aromantic people experience unique forms of discrimination that are underrepresented in queer intersectionalism, often considered unimportant or even juvenile.

Aromantics who don't participate in dating culture or amatonormative relationships become social oddities. This is especially true of aromantics who still partake in sexual acts, and doubly when those are promiscuous. Aromantics who do aren't considered at all in the public's limited consciousness of the idea of aromanticism.

Aromanticism is often a footnote to asexuality, barely ever talked about as it's own concept. The rise of "anti-SAM" or "anti-split attraction model" aromantics does further harm to this. Not in their own detachment with the term, but their consistent antagonism and dissection of what they claim as a flawed model.

A lack of romantic attraction by an individual in modern society is always taken as attraction to a different gender unless outwardly stated, with public knowledge of aromanticism being nearly none. This is both a cause and effect of a lack of aromantic representation in the media.

Unconsidering beliefs and actions towards aromantic people are often present inside our own community. Queer activism often begins and ends with the freedom to love. "Love is love," is an inherently exclusionary motto and still one of the most popular slogans used. Because "love" is pedestaled to the forefront with little regard to the queer people who don't experience it.

Idea II: The pillars of aromanticism

1. The toppling of tradition and heteronormativity, whether choosing to partake in romantic relationships or not. The lack of romance, deeply required in the populations idea of relationships, is inherently radical.
2. The acception of your aromantic identity is an (ironically) loving act of selfishness. One that puts yourself above the familial, societal, and religious expectations that "love" is required of. In this way, your choice to "love" those around you is a personal one, not an allo-biological one.

Idea III: What now?

1. Dismantle the nuclear family that exists in your mind. Practice relationship anarchy. Remember the best friend who abandoned you for their partner. Become angry.
2. The intersection of aromanticism and other forms of queerness often leads way to uniquely difficult struggles, both internal and external. You cannot let it take a backseat to your other identities.
3. Love on your own terms, if you chose to "love" at all.