2021
Self-indulgent Nightmare
My brain is a bit dysfunctional;
The understatement of the year, I know.
Until I can find a way
To find someone who can deal with my unlovable attraction problems,
I'll simply live in my head.
Just...
Don't remind me of what I look like
Hadn't you forgot?
Im trying to live in a disconnected fantasy world where someone actually loves me, so...
Don't overpaint the picture.
When the dreams of euphoria, intimacy, and fantasy are over
I realise
That I'm going to be stuck in this cycle-
Of a self-indulgent nightmare.
And when the dreams are over, and I leave my love's arms for the cold hold of a bed,
I simply start the day again.
// written on 16 october 2021 🞟
Aromantic (Not By Choice)
I ride the high
Of self-indulgence
Until it's no longer there.
I read and write, and listen
And yet,
Nothing ever comes of it.
Because even though I want someone to love,
Or hold,
Or kiss,
Or both,
I don't feel love.
So I sit quietly, zipping my lips.
Because although I've tried
and tried,
and tried,
and tried,
I don't feel
But rather just lust
Am I a whore, or a slut?
I choose and choose the people I say I "love"
But I've been told that's not how it works
(Don't ask me, I just work here.)
Is this any way I can live?
Maybe,
Maybe not
// written on 16 june 2021 🞟
He Keeps Looking Back
Sitting in class, not a thought running through my mind
Clicking the same button time after time, after time
My eyes stare on, barely having a function at this point
Until I sense--
Someone looking at me
A row to the front, a seat to the left
His head tilted towards me ever-so-slightly
And so I looked back at him
With the power of a Wattpad romance,
He quickly turned away
And even if it isn't true,
I'd like to think it was something about me...
// written on 3 june 2021 🞟
L1C3NCE PL4TE5
judge by the tabs
judge by the state
judge by the cover
judge by the date
i never judge
by your height or your weight
i only judge
by your license plates
// written on 19 may 2021 🞟
missing.ttf
Lost.
Stray, Astray
Off-course, Off-track
Disorientated, Disoriented
Adrift, At sea, Unable to be found.
Missing; Strayed
Misplaced; Mislaid
Vanished,
Disappeared & Forgotten
Absent, Away...
Gone.
// written on 22 february 2021 🞟
Lost in my Own Head (Unfortunately)
Lust and love
Are often intertwined,
Which may be
The reason why
My feelings are often confused.
It may or may not be
The ramblings of a dumb teen
Who is so far lost in her emotions
That she cant see the shit right in front of her,
Whatever the fuck it is.
I'm desperate all time,
Wondering why
When October hits
I can never seem to find
A good reason for my feelings being feelings.
Or a good answer to why this lust disappears
After just a few months.
I look in the mirror
At this broken motherfucker,
Looking for any excuse
To kiss the guy she loves.
Or at least, thinks she does
Because she doesn't know if she loves him
She doesn't ever know
Whether the person she fantasizes about every night
Is only a tool she uses
In her perverted mind.
But she can't think too hard.
No, then she would always
Look at the way she dresses
Or talks, or looks, or acts
And couldn't ever imagine
Herself, to the truest form
With the boy she may or may not love.
The one and only her
Is overshadowed by the better her.
The "her" that someone could stand
Especially, to love.
Why would a guy ever fall,
For the self-centered, masculine wanna-be
Who's only concern
Is getting laid.
But she doesn't know
Whether she's actually fallen for him,
Or the feeling of being with him.
When your mind is so fucked
With feelings of wasted youth,
You tend to dwell
On the uneventful.
I'm more of this "She"
Than people ever notice
Or tend to care about.
Because the person
I recognize
Standing behind the mirror,
Is unequivocally me.
// written on 10 february 2021 🞟