2024

[04.09.24]

my grandmother on my step-dads side has always hated me, which ive known, but she just told me i have until the end of this year to move out. i don't think she's said anything nice to me in the 7 years ive lived with her... but yeah. i have to leave soon, which is both a blessing and a curse. it's gotten me more motivated to apply for jobs again (i have two interviews this week), but it's also one of the more stressful moments of my life. not only do i have to:

1. get my car fixed (~$800)
2. find a second job (almost impossible in this economy)
3. apply and get accepted to the apartment ive been looking at
4. save enough money for the deposit and rent (~$3000)
5. pay enough debt off to where i don't get denied immediately (minimum $~600)
6. buy the necessities i need for my apartment, AND
7. figure out how to live on my own for the first time in my life

but i have to do it in 4 months. i've been downsizing my closet and trying to sell the clothes and other stuff im getting rid of (which you can find here in case you want to help a brother out). ive also seriously limited my spending and stolen as much food as i can from my job. i haven't been eating really well recently, and i think it stems from my money issues. i've never really eaten breakfast, so that hasn't really changed, but ive been eating like one meal a day. i might start shoplifting again, honestly. the cooks at my job are really cool and they always make me something when i ask tho. sometimes i feel like im using them because i talk to them so infrequently. i hope they don't think that.

i feel like my last few entries make it seem like i'm constantly mopey and depressed (which, to a certain extent i kinda am) but honestly life hasn't been that bad. i managed to get an appointment for my cat on Friday and my coworker paid me back $30 she owed me at just the right time because i can at least afford the uber/lyft ride to the vet AND ill be able to pay for it since friday is payday. work has been really enjoyable since me and my coworkers are all really cool with each other. i feel like in the restaurant industry you build a kind of comradery with your coworkers, and especially the ones that you're constantly around. like me with my fellow hosts.

i saw metallica a day ago which was really fun even though i was flat broke the entire day (i bought the tickets months ago). it was my first time seeing Ice Nine Kills which was so fuckin sick. i feel like the stars aligned perfectly, because my friend █████ got me a necklace set from hot topic that was Ice Nine Kills and i started listening to them right before that show so i knew at least half their songs. sometimes the universe is funny like that.

[03.09.24]

my cat hurt her paw a day ago which has been really stressful because im going to have to bring her to the vet but im flat broke and the vet doesn't do payment plans. i feel like an asshole complaining about this because i just took a 4-day vacation to vegas the day before which was a birthday present from my family. but i wasn't expecting my cat to get herself hurt as soon as i got back. and i don't know whether this is rooted in my childhood growing up poor but i have a huge problem with money. like it's so hard for me to save any money and im in so much credit card debt for someone who only makes $15,000 a year. im glad i didn't go to college because student loans probably would've killed me. i already had an appointment for a vaccine she needed but i have to wait until friday when i get paid. but it hurts so much because she's just been sleeping all day and resting (which is definitely better than her getting hurt again). she got out from under my bed and managed to come and cuddle me this morning, so i hope she at least feels a bit better. i have rent overdue too which is just more money i owe someone. my car is still broken. probably worse than i originally thought. before we left i parked my car on the street and it literally wouldn't move if i stepped on the gas. so my guess is that it'll be closer to $900 to fix. and i really love my car and i don't want to get rid of it but i might have to sell it just so i can get some cash. ive also never lived completely without my car before. i use the bus, but it was always on the pretense that i'll get my car back one day. the transit by my house is so bad that i have to walk 40+ minutes to get to the bus stop. and getting a job is so fucking difficult

[17.08.24]

im feeling a lot of things right now. im sick of anti-masculinity in queer spaces. im tired of cis women acting like we are the exact same and yet completely different. i am not a fucking woman. i am not woman-lite, i am not a girl or a lady or a part of some weird radfem sisterhood. im tired of thinking of my gender all the time. im tired of defining myself by what i am not. being a victim of misogyny doesn't make me a woman. society just likes to see me as one. as some butch lesbian. im tired of masculinity being seen as inherantly bad. im tired of my attraction to men being seen as bad. im tired of not being able to say all this without being called a TME. im just so fucking tired man.

[19.07.24]

there's a family that my family knows, as basically an extension of my family; the ██████ family. or, at least, the family im a part of now. my biodad has never really been in my life (i don't hold anything against him, i just never had a relationship with him) and my mom began dating my step-dad when i was 11, so for all intents and purposes he's just my dad. he's been involved in the martial arts scene since he was 13, and now he runs his own martial arts school. the grandfather of the ██████ family was my dads instructor, and a mentor for my dad. he died before i ever met him. he had a granddaughter, ████, who i used to be good friends with. she stayed at our martial arts school for years, before she moved across the state with her mom and sister. she recently reconnected with our family after around 7 years. last week i saw her for the first time in ages. shes a year younger than me. her and her younger sister watched my martial arts class and stayed after to talk. it was clear that me and her younger sister were the odd men out. ████ and my dad talked about their grandfather, my dads mentor, and the only thing i did was interject whenever there was a commonality i could latch onto. i felt an odd form of jealousy, hearing how much they respected and loved ████'s grandfather, my dads mentor, and how much they both share in that. i love my dad a lot, i respect what he's done for me and my two brothers, if it was between him and my fake-ally abusive mother, i would choose him every time. sometimes i wish i could've just been born the person he wanted me to be. there's a lot of insecurity rooted in this thought, i think. i'm a non-binary "libtard" anarchist who uses they/it pronouns. my dad is a right-wing conservative in every sense of the word. he doesn't use my pronouns, he calls me his daughter. when i saw him and ████ talk, it felt like he'd finally had the perfect daughter he'd always wanted.

me and ████ both have nearly cut all contact with our mothers. both of our mothers were abusive to us. both of our mothers are self-involved emotional brick walls. we share in that, but we're such fundamentally different people with completely different beliefs that i can only indulge in with basic ideas of "abuse bad." i dont like her self-help mantras, or definitive "you're X" or "thats X" or "youre feeling X" psychoanalysis of my situation when she really has no idea. i thought id be able to be truthful with her, but i dont want to tarnish her view of my dad with it, so i keep the focus on my mom and her alone.

i went out with ████ and her aunt and uncle to a noodle place in ███████, and in that moment i got a taste of what a truly accepting loving family is like. if i had wanted to, i probably could've asked them to use my pronouns and they probably would've done it easily (although that would've meant mentioning it to ████ and idk how she would've reacted). in the times where me and ████ are just talking about normal gen-z stuff and just joking around, we get along great honestly. but when she goes to tramadump on my dad about her situation, her granddad, her mother, it's like im not even there.

[13.07.24]

i am so fucking scared for the future like i am genuinely frightened. trump is trying to create a christo-fascist dictatorship and his audience is gonna be really fucking bolstered now that that stupid fucking photo is out. i have no idea what im gonna do. im so scared and i live in a progressive state, lord only knows how much that'll protect me. i dont think ill be able to handle a trump win and i cant fucking leave the country so what the fuck is anyone supposed to do.

[02.07.24]

oh my fucking god he literally believes any fear mongering he hears, hes like a fucking kid hearing about stranger danger. grown ass man too scared to step foot in a city. christ.

[31.03.24]

i love my friends so much. █████ just called me drunk at 1 am. shes so lovey when shes drunk. i dunno, i like calling them, since I dont get to see them often.

[??.??.24]

overheard a gu pastor at my work talking about christianity, but it wasnt anything crazy so I ignored it until he brought up "everyone and their safe spaces nowaday..." knew it would happen eventually

2023

[22.11.23] ⚠ Transphobia

i remember when my mom asked me if i was queer. i remember finally thinking that I could be my authentic self. i even remember her response when I told her i was non-binary

"even though you're still a girl?"

i gave her the benefit of the doubt until the night that I had one of the worst fights of my life.

recently, as in a few months ago, i remember my dad finally starting to use gender neutral language for me. finally attempting to use they/them pronouns until my mom found out. shes a fucking vulture;

it fucking sucks.

i really fucking want that apartment and im not trying to hype myself up because i dont want to be disapointed if i dont get it... but i cant help myself

[??.11.23] ⚠ Sexual Content

That super awesome and totally not infuriating moment when you waste 3 hours either on a bus or waiting doing nothing just for the driver of the transfer bus that you have to catch ignore you on one of the two days you have off? Its so fucking annoying but at least ive had plenty of time to think. I dont know whether this is just general horniness/pent up urges or what but I swear to god I want to fuck the first cute guy i see. maybe when I go to ███ to visit i can get dolled up and give some dude my number (or my virginity, whichever comes first). I might start shaving again, at least for this weekend. I still dont knowif I feel better shaving or not. Or maybe I do know and I just dont want to admit it. Whatever the case may be all I know is I am definitely going to pack up some slutty fucking outfits, I dont care how cold it is. Save the weather appropriate shit for the bus ride home. Who knows, maybe ill see that cute metalhead from the pizza place.

[17.08.23]

Got about t-minus an hour before my new job. Im a bit nervous, but I suppose thats normal. I think Im going to keep this job as separate from my life as possible. I dunno. Its only part time so I probably wont be there that long.

[13.08.23] ⚠ General Bigotry

god what a fucking miserable way to think of homeless people. call me a prick but i hope everyone who talks about the homeless like that should try and survive like that for a month. fucking insane how little empathy they have.

[18.07.23]

Is there a word for when you have mommy + daddy issues? Is it just parent issues? Or is that reserved only for shitty non-binary parents?

[09.07.23]

Feeling like a loser right now. Not in the ironic cool-guy Nirvana way, but in the "my family thinks ill never amount to anything" way. I dunno. Im trying to move out ASAP but Im struggling to get a job. I just hope its not something I hate.

[05.02.23]

dude literally throws a hissy fit in the car and then tells me MY GENERATION is soft?!?! it's so fucking funny. a) why would i give a shit about what other people think of my generation? b) they are called STEREOTYPES for a reason, and c) this coming from a guy who whined about masks for YEARS?!?!?! i only have six more months before im out of here. so fucking ready for it. i seriously need to get the fuck out of here. he seriously can't have a discussion without getting all emotional and yelling.

[24.01.23] ⚠ Mentions of Suicide

god i don't know whether it's just the lead that's training me, debt, how fucking tired i am of making sandwiches, or that im new but fucking hell i hate working. i signed up to be a barista, not a fucking sandwich maker. i want to make drinks not paninis. i only get two breaks that they forget about half the time. i have to put my fucking phone in a box like I'm in high school again. and the lead i get stuck with fucking sucks. they're so passive aggressive and high key a bitch. i fucking hate capitalism. i don't want my body to break down every shift just to fucking have rent. i just want to be at ███ already. im so sick of this already. i am a fucking sandwich maker. im so glad this is temporary or id probably kill myself. i wish id never left Starbucks as much as i hate the corporation. i just hope at least one other place gets back to me about a job because im going to die.

[11.01.23] ⚠ Sexual Content

Havent slept in 36 hours and even though I feel like Im dying I still want to masturbate which says alot about me

[04.01.23]

my biggest fear is telling a partner i love them too early, because that word just... doesn't mean as much as it does for allo people.

[??.??.23]

i love when the consequences of my actions (now!) comes back to bite i continue doing them even though i am aware of how destructive it is and i can recognize it

i really fucking want that apartment and im not trying to hype myself up because i dont want to be disapointed if i dont get it...

but i cant help myself

2022

[06.11.22]

Watching "perks of being a wallflower." I like these cheesy rom-coms. Maybe it's because I like to imagine myself as the reformed loser. Or maybe its because I like to indulge in things I know ill never have. Then again, I always for make things more co pretensious than they are.

[03.11.22]

Sometimes I wish I would've gone to college. Everytime I think about it, though, I wonder what part of it I really like. Am I wanting to party more? Do I not like paying rent? Do I just miss my friends? Ive been thinking of going to ███. I want the college experience. I want to party, and drink, and get fucked up. I dunno. I feel like my life is just, me going through the motions. I dont do anything, I feel like my life is consumed by work. I just think that I tried to be an adult too fast. I dont. I'll sleep on it.

Maybe I'm just tired of people pressuring me to do something. But is it pressure If I believe it too?

[23.10.22]

Im moving out soon. Im excited, and scared, and anxious and relieved all at the same time. Im glad im leaving, though. As much as ill miss seeing my brothers everyday, im confident this is the right choice. Im tired of everyone

[21.08.22]

besides █████, it feels like im the only person in this house who isn't allowed to be irritated. i understand he is stressed, but i used that same reason and i was called out for it. not only did i get shit from █████ for telling him not to swipe the guys hoodie, have to drive home at 1 am at a gas station that took like 30 minutes to get to a pump, and find out that i have to go get the cat because someone let her out, i get shit on for being late and told that i had an attitude. no shit i had an attitude, i was fucking upset. but apparently i can't be upset. and mom is no help at all because she wants to play all high and mighty "just be positive." and sit on her high horse for it. at least i got the cat.

[11.08.22]

i miss him so fucking much. if i could go back in time and reverse my decision to block him the first time i would. i want nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms. god, i at least want to unblock him.

[07.08.22]

does everything i do fucking irritate him? we weren't being loud, he just doesn't like when we don't act exactly how he acts. but no, now neither of us can have fun because he's eMbArRASed. fuck off.

[25.07.22] ⚠ Transphobia

nothing i ever do will ever be good enough for my family. they talk shit about me behind my back. they hate that im not the perfect shining example of a conservative daughter. they don't think i'm non-binary, they think im stupid and that ill never amount to anything. they've told me for years that id never hold a job, that id be a sad loser. my own dad calls me a fucking loser. he thinks my generation are losers. he doesnt like that ive started talking back to him. he just wants me to absorb his dumb political talking points. they tell me to shut the fuck up

[06.07.22]

I've been thinking of meeting up with him again. If he even wants to see me. im so tired of sabotaging things because of my anxiety. i really enjoyed talking to him. he was so sweet. if he ever forgives me, id love to have a FWB of QPR with him. i think that my self-esteem is so low; thats why im always questioning things— if i even think of us dating, i think of all the things i should change about myself. god, im so selfish for wishing for him to want anything to do with me after that.

[06.06.22]

anti-LGBT+ sentiment has seriously fucking skyrocketed over the last 3 months — a year

[17.04.22] ⚠ Transphobia, Homophobia

i feel so fucking trapped right now. i live in a house with one semi-homophobic conservative, and one very homophobic conservative. coupled with constant news about LGBT+ rights being rolled back, people literally calling us groomers, being told to my fucking face by my mom that ill "always be a girl no matter what." her asking "what are your chromosomes?" that fucked me up for awhile. before i came out (and am now stuck in a purgatory where im kind of in the closet but not really) she was just kinda always taking the moderate right take of "don't shove it in my face," but that night she said some of the most homophobic and transphobic shit ive ever heard in my entire life. the typical "you're either a man or a woman" christian conservative bullshit.

a few days ago my dad got progressively irritated about me talking about lgbt+ rights being rolled back in states and he basically said " i don't care, i have more important things to worry about." i explained how many lgbt+ kids were going to commit suicide and you know what he said? "well what about veterans?" because he can't just fucking listen to how much it breaks me when shit like this happens. when friends of mine who live in the south are going to have to deal with this. i don't live in Florida, i don't live in Texas, what the fuck am i supposed to do?

i can't afford to be a nihilist. it's tempting to just say "i cant do anything, so ill just continue living up here without even trying to help" but i can't. because i know how fucking privileged i am to live in a very pro-LGBT state. and i know not everyone can say that. which is why, despite the constant bullshit i get from family from taking about it, i still do. because fuck homophobes, i couldn't care less if they died in a fucking fire. the ones too far gone, that is.

[13.03.22]

im just so tired of anti-lgbt shit, all i want is for us to have basic rights.

[18.02.22]

god are you fucking kidding me? i work my fucking ass off and he throws a fit because i forgot the self defense? suck my fucking dick, jesus christ. sorry not everyone is as perfect as you. fucking prick.

2021

[15.12.21] ⚠ Transphobia, Homophobia, General Bigotry

I think I'm a people pleaser. I have pretty low self-esteem & I always apologize to people for things. I seem to make excuses for people. I get a sense of dread from opening text messages because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me. I don't know why it doesn't translate to the house, or at least my parents. When they start yelling usually my instinct is to say something or not speak. Maybe it's cause they always talk misinformation. They have such little empathy or sympathy for people. They talk about how they dislike homeless people, how people in jail for drug offenses should just "not do the crime", the police ignoring left-leaning people because they believe acab (last I checked, people shouldn't be denied 911 because they disagree), LGBT+ youth shouldn't be taught their history. How can people be like that? It's so fucking dumb and ignorant. Im not even out yet. They've already made their stance on non-binary & gender non-conforming people clear. Especially mom. It fucking irritates me how she'd called them "confused people." And then acted like I was the idiot who didn't know what I was talking about. I'm excited for next years pride, though. Maybe ill go with my friends.

[24.10.21]

ive been thinking about how weird it is that we're born to basically work until we die. college is actually a break from my job for once, and i used to loathe school.

[19.10.21 ]

jesus he's such a fucking prick. "waaah i know what i heard" go fuck yourself dickhead. at least i have a reason not to go to class. fucking asshole.

[16.10.21]

christ, why'd i have to wake up from that dream. it was the one thing i wanted in life with my dream crush and i fucking woke up when we were cuddling. i just feel so lonely. i dont know what to do. it was just so perfect and then i realized i was living in a fantasy.

[17.09.21]

this was such a fucking miatake god i should've never done that now i have to either block him out of nowhere or send him a reason why i cant talk to him. why am i like this why cant i just tell the truth. it hurts so much. god i sound so annoying.

[13.09.21]

god, i want to read what he said but my anxiety just keeps stopping me. maybe i should just rip off the bandaid. fuck, and that was me rambling at 3 am. shit

[30.08.21]

fuck, i think that was him. if only i hadnt lied to his fucking face like that. i cant fucking do anything and any text i get from him gives me so much anxiety. i just want to shut down my social media. should i tell him?

[07.08.21]

im the worst person alive. i literally made a child cry because i couldnt follow one rule. im so stupid, i feel like crying but i cant. i fucking deleted an entire mc world. i was just so defeated watching him blow up my house. it was so awful.

[29.07.21]

i can't stop thinking about what i did after i dreamt about it last night. fuck, i can't even listen to comfort audio without thinking about it. if i don't get therapy or something I'll probably be haunted for the rest of my life. its just so... gross... things ive said and done.

[12.07.21]

god today fucking sucks. not only do i have to hear constantly "you suck, you're stupid, oh my god your trash" from nearly everyone, i was lectured like i was a fucking idiot about driving. its like they think im stupid. fucking christ.

[10.07.21]

god fucking damnit i had to sit there for an hour listening to him threaten to shoot my favorite musician.

[14.06.21] ⚠ Internalized Arophobia

god fucking damnit why cant i be normal. why did i have to be born not feeling romantic attraction. some fucking "cupioromantic" word no one would understand if i'd told them. instead, i lust after people who are either; dead, fictional, or unobtainable.

[10.06.21]

i feel good about this conversation. even though he was wrong about a lot, it was pretty productive. i kept my cool and i explained myself well. overall good. he obviously thinks they're losers, which is ok, but why does he care so much about other peoples lives? who cares about whether a twitch streamer has a partner.

[20.05.21]

holy fucking shit i was almost caught, i wouldve been so fucking dead if they had caught me. hell, they might still be trying to catch me. if they persue this any further then i am so fucked. id rather they catch me after ive moved out. im never shoplifting again.

I did something really dumb today. I went to Albertsons to go steal some food for lunch, but a lady caught me when I was going to put it in my bag, but she saw me hold the sandwich. Instead of just holding onto it like a regular person I STILL TOOK IT. if I had acted...

...like I dropped my money & couldn't pay, then the two ladies couldn't have said anything. I dont know whether they believed me when I said that I put it back, but im so anxious about it. I've never got caught doing it & it was so nerve wracking considering I also took a thing of KitKats... I don't know whats wrong with me. Why couldn't I have a concious about this ??? I know of all the bad things that can happen to me or others but it doesn't register in my brain or something. I'm stopping today. This was just a relapse...

I might make a poem about this.

[16.05.21]

god, can nothing i do stay in private? he wasn't even supposed to hear what i said, i only said it because he literally said the same thing within 30 seconds. but no, only i get in trouble for saying things. he'll threaten to break my stuff but god forbid i get a bit frustrated and say a bad word.

[05.05.21] ⚠ Mentions of Suicide

i would've fucking killed myself if it wasn't for my brothers and my cat. they treat me like im a kid, like im stupid, like i don't deserve respect. even though they say that i can tell them anything, they don't mean it. when she said i needed more confidence i wanted to fucking scream. i AM confident.

[29.04.21] ⚠ Racism

its like nothing i do is good enough for him. ive been really trying to well in school, and then he calls all american kids "dumber than asians" just because we like to express our freedom. since when did kids not have first amendment rights?!?? its so dumb, he bad mouths my teachers with facts that aren't true. i wonder how long he'd last teaching. we aren't spoiled just because we actually fucking care about mental health.

[19.04.21] ⚠ Implied Sexual Content

im so fucking scared i thought i was ready but im not ready at all im such an asshole for leading him on. im so scared that he'll hate me im so not ready. i feel like such a piece of shit that i have to make up a lie to not show up. i even contemplated just ghosting him and blocking everyone that he knows but theres too many friends that i have from █████████ that i dont want to lose. im hoping i can just never talk about this again. it was one thing when we were just roleplaying, another thing to actually do it. im so stupid thinking i was ready. i wish i had someone to talk to about this.

[11.03.21] ⚠ Mentions of Suicide

i cant stop fucking crying, i fucking hate living here. music is probably the only thing stopping me from killing myself, fucking hell. i cant believe he was going to break my headphones. i cherish them becuase they're from him, and he's ready to threaten me with them because i argued back. god, i swear im going to fucking kill myself. they're going to drive me to far one of these days. im still fucking crying. i love music so so much, its one of the highlights of my life. i hate being called spoiled. it makes me feel unugrateful. i feel like a toddler crying about it. i really hope im overreacting nd this isnt abuse, because i really do love my parents.

[07.03.21]

jesus fucking christ i cant stand this. i hate being here. i thought he would understand because he wasn't religious but he's just going with it. i hate how i can't ever say what i want to say because I'm afraid. i wish i wasn't afraid. i wish i didn't have to go to a church i don't believe in. i wish they could understand my side. if i told them what i really felt about politics, and religion, and what i really think im afraid they'd treat me like i was stupid. i wish i could WEAR WHAT I WANT. every time i come here i feel like an asshole. i don't hate the people here, i hate the religion. i respect their choice. sometimes i think he is afraid of going against my mom. i want to move out, but id miss them. i just want to leave and run home. i want to go for a walk but they'd probably make me stay. some really small stuff makes me just angry. it sounds trivial, but its just apart of the bigger problem. anything i say is automatically invalid because its "off the internet". they'll be reading one stupid conservative news article and think they know everything.

[xx.xx.xx]