KEY

SEXUAL CONTENT
Light Sexual Content Kissing, making out, semi-nudity, mentioned or implied sexual content, etc.
Sexual Content Nudity or lingerie, heavy petting, sex without graphic detail, masturbation, etc.

VIOLENCE
Violence Stabbing, punching, being kicked, etc.
Graphic Violence Blood or gore, anything that results in death, anything targeted at a vulnerable class (i.e. kids, animals), etc.
Sexual Harrassment Catcalling, unwanted contact
Sexual Assault/Rape Self-explanatory

Entries will also have any need warnings for the -phobias and the -isms

PHYSICAL JOURNALS

i've been in the process of adding my physical journals to my website. i've stopped trying to have specific "this journal is for x and this is for y" because the things i use journals for often overlap. like, whats the difference between a sketchbook and writing journal when i doodle in both? so all of my journals are brain dump journals that i put everythin in: from grocery lists to budgeting to art to junk. anything blacked out is something that i don't want the internet to have (phone numbers, irl friends names, addresses, etc.). this is the only journal i have up right now, but i don't have access to a printer with a scanner so i have to manually take pictures and edit them... which takes a minute. still, feel free to flip through the pages of my Acute Notebook!

[30.12.25]

sherwin died yesterday. i knew he was having breathing problems, and i knew he was putting on a brave face, but i never thought that he would've died. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. i dont know how ill ever watch another football game or practice taekwondo or go to another show again without thinking of him and wishing he was here. i had to put on my own brave face earlier talking to my family. i miss him so much. we were supposed to get food on New Years Day. i keep thinking about the last time i saw him and how sick he looked. i wish i could hug him one last time.

i had a feeling that the breathing issues were gonna be too much because when he dropped me off at the bus station i hugged him and thought "what if this is the last time you see him?" i could tell he barely made it. he couldn't really walk without needing to take like 5 minutes to breathe.

i still miss him. i took his taekwondo jacket home. he was going to get me my own but i never gave him the money for it. i like the design of his anyways.

im going back to the house tomorrow. im gonna try and go through some of his things with O████. i told my boss so hopefully i can have tomorrow off. if not i guess i can just power through it. they probably dont want me interacting with customers in the state im in now.

im trying to be the strong one. im the oldest, and o████ needs the support since he was actually there when they found out and had to call 911 but its so fucking hard.

if Sherwin was here he'd know what to do. but now i cant lean on him anymore.

2025

[03.08.25]

its 12:15 am. i have to go to bed at 1 because i have to go into work a half-hour early tomorrow. which, even though i hate it, is necessary because i left work a half-hour early today. not by my own choice, but because it was so slow i just left. i swear everyone has to fucking micromanage every single thing i do. like down to the most miniscule fucking thing, like how i hold the masher. and if i get the same fucking result as everyone else who gives a fuck ??? oh my fucking god its actually infuriating. and then they're acting like the shitty double printed 8 1/2 x 11 paper of recipes they gave me is the fucking gospel. when i specifically cannot fucking learn from just reading. god please let me be done with this shitty place ASAP.

[02.08.25]

finally got a job after being unemployed for two months. worked for 8.5 hours today, no lunch or breaks. i got cooked a chinese meal, which was very nice, but i wasn't even allowed to sit and eat it. when my coworker told me "lunch time" i was under the surely preposterous assumption that i would be able to actually REST on my break. i think that people see the 8-8-8 rule (8 hours of work 8 hours sleep 8 hours play) and think "well it looks like a balanced day to me!" but the 8-8-8 rule was 1. fought for in a time where 12+ hour shifts were normal, and 2. doesn't account for the fact that employers don't pay you for your commute. my daily commute is 1 hour to and 1 hour from. so today, for instance, i spent 11.5 hours either getting ready for, going to, or working, at work. 24 - 11.5 = 12.5. so the choice now, is between getting less than 8 hours of sleep to have more free time. OR getting my 8 hours of sleep and only getting 4.5 hours of non-work non-sleep free time, 9pm to 1:30am. i need this job. i still haven't paid this months rent, so this job is my only option. i miss my restaurant job, as much as i hated my old boss. i miss having co workers i actually liked. i only make $17.50 an hour because my new job is outside of my city. i have a job interview at a cafe this wednesday after this last round of applications, and i think i'm gonna go. hopefully i can actually work at a place that doesn't make me want to kill myself the first day. my feet ache.

the song of the day: I Do Not Dream of Labor - The Hobby

[27.06.25] - In my apartment watching penguinz0

went to ████s place for a karaoke party. and i had fun, but it wasn't like the last time i saw them where we went to that rave. firstly, ████ wasnt there so the one person i am actually pretty familiar with so i didnt have a "safe person" to have a conversation with. which would be fine, except for everyone there (and i mean, everyone) had partners. so they just spent most of the time talking to their partners. like the two people who sat next to me, ███████ and his partner, i think like. never talked to me besides simple introducitons. and █████ and their partner didn't sit next to me so i couln't talk to them. i talked to ████ a bit, which was nice because i do really like them, but other than that and ████ and ███████, i basically just sat there doing nothing until it was my turn for karaoke. and i was also the only one taking pictures, so there were no pictures of me besides the one me and ████ and ███████ took on the bus. idk. it felt like i was just... third wheeling this birthday. and it also just made me feel lonely. ████s partner was literally my dream man. not to say i was attracted to him specifically or jealous or wanted their man. it just made me realize that i really do not have anyone right now. and ████ is a lot like me. a very masc, alternative enby. so it just made me feel like its literally just me. and i hate complaining about it because im happy for ████ and everyone else for finding someone they love. its just easy to focus on when literally every single person around you is being so lovey-dovey with their partners. i know this sounds overly negative, i actually did have a decent time. ███ put us all onto this german eurodance song and we were literally blasting it in the car on the way back to ████'s place. i really wish they didn't live in ███████ so i couldve just gone home after my social battery ran out instead of having to wait until the next day when i had to take the 4 hour bus ride back home.

[03.06.25]

as i was leaving the grocery store waiting for the bus, an older lady with a walker came up to me and said "i always gotta keep my back against the wall !! never know what'll happen haha" and at first i thought she was one of those "err theres so much le crime here!!" but i could tell after talking w/her for 5 minutes that she truly loved the city and genuinely was just making a funny joke i said something along the lines of "i get it, my dad was in the army and i picked it up from him." we talked a bit about living in the city, and i talked with her about the city my parents house is in, and she ended up giving me some cherries she picked up from the farmers market. she was the sweetest woman ever and i hope i see her again.

[30.05.25]

THIS BITCH IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! i literally came in yesterday all by myself to a full trash and nothing restocked, manned the entire cafe by myself when it was insanely busy, and finished work 45 minutes after i was scheduled (1:45 of closing BY MYSELF) just so i could restock all that i could and make sure they didn't have to deal w having no restock and this bitch wants to complain about TOO MUCH RESTOCK !!! AND THE WAY I ORGANIZE THE SODAS !!! AND STRAIGHT UP JUST LIE ABOUT THE TRASH NOT BEING TAKEN OUT !!! AND INTERRUPT ME THE ENTIRE DAY !!! AND THEN TELL ME TO TALK TO CUSTOMERS MORE WHEN THEY INTERRUPT ME !!! lord if i kill myself blame a girl named █████

[17.05.25]

i fucking hate being poor. i hate having almost no extra money after all my bills. i tried donating blood today to help me pay my rent, and they told me my iron levels were one fucking point too low to donate. and they told me all the foods i should eat to raise my iron but i can't fucking afford any of it. its all meat and eggs, two notoriously expensive groceries. and i wasted an entire fucking afternoon just for them to tell me i wasn't gonna make rent today. ive been crying the entire time since i left. i was going to use my change to pay for some eggs, but i need to get some roll papers for them and the bank is closed until monday. and my appointment is on wednesday. and i don't think thats enough time for iron to show up in my blood. so i don't know what the fuck im supposed to do now. ive done the math, and after i get paid ill still need ~$260. and there's a "borrow from yourself" thing that my job does, but i used it for my last check and now im -200 for this check. i feel like theres no fucking winning. i hate e-begging. im thinking of doing emergency commissions or selling some stuff.

[25.04.25] - In bed watching Jacksfilms

today was my first official day at my new job, holy moly did i forget how hard it was to befriend new coworkers. the job is pretty straightforward barista-ing. but its sooooo slow in the afternoon. and i dont know enough downtasks to do to pass the time. so i just stand there awkwardly. and like. my coworkers seem nice. but they have such different personalities to me that its hard to talk to them. and since they arent subtly inviting me into any conversations, i dont really talk to them. but whatever, its only the first day. luckily i dont have to worry about my work schedule interfering with shows anymore. at least, not in the same way. i will definitely have to sacrifice sleep for a show im going to tomorrow, but i can just nap after work to make up for it. and im going with a friend i havent seen in ages !!!! the band is fronted by a guy i knew in high school too !!!! so hype

[14.04.25] - At the library downtown listening to Return to Heaven by Bad Brains

man when i moved out i never realized how alone i would actually feel. my brothers are in █████ until summer, my friends are all together at ███ or ██, and i only get to see ███████ whenever i go to taekwondo class. and now that i quit my job, its like a thousand times worse. i talked to ██████ on discord yesterday and it was the first time in forever that i didn't feel alone even though we only talked for like an hour. i miss being able to hang out with my brothers. and now i dont get to see my coworkers either. i wish i had more friends up here.

i started my period today, and its making me wonder if me all-of-a-sudden quitting my job had anything to do with PMS-ing. i sound like such a cis guy. but seriously. i can usually handle ████'s passive agressiveness but Friday was too much. or at least it was on that day particularly. oh well, i still think this was a good thing. i dont believe in fate or god, but this feels like it was meant to happen.

i had a job interview today. i woke up early, did eveything i was supposed to, left for the bus 5 minutes early, and of course the bus had to show up way earlier than it was supposed to and i had to take the next one. and of course everything had to go wrong so i ended up being 5 minutes late to my job interview. and i could tell he didn't want anything to do with me. im just glad i have two more this week that are way closer to my house.

[23.03.25] - In bed listening to The Archives Music Player

i feel like ive learned more about myself in the past week than i ever have in my entire life. last thursday was the ███ kids break so i got to see them for a brief period before they went back to school. and so ██████ and █████ came over (█████ was in vegas which i only found out from ██████ xd)a and we spent the whole day in seattle. we met at my apt, got super cheap pizza, and then we did the underground tour which was super fun. i love doing those more ourist-y things and ill be damned if someone makes us feel bad about having fun. after that we walked around pike place for a bit (including the new part of the aquarium and that mining themed inside shopping area) and got a bunch of cute photos with ██████' (technically her sisters) polaroid. and then went got green tea, well, they did at least... i stil got coffee :< but anyways, we hung out there until basically close, and then we went to a bar to drink and get something to eat !! we were originally going to go to ███ ████ but they were having a strip show and the bouncer and the people running it could not coordinate on whether to charge us $20 for a show that was basically done or not so we went to ████ ████ instead which is hawaiian themed. and im so glad we went there instead because it was SO MUCH FUCKING FUN !!!! they had a karaoke setup and even though ██████ and █████ had to leave early and they didn't get to do any karaoke i asked them to just drop me back at the bar instead of my apartment so i could hang out there for longer. so i queued up My Own Worst Enemy by Lit into the karaoke machine (which wasn't as much of a machine as it was a dj stand with an ipad, i love you dj guy) and i just had a couple cocktails and a whiskey coke while i waited and enjoyed other people singing. there was this dude who queued up Crank That Soulja and it was so goddamn hype. and when it was my turn i tried to really put on a show and have fun. and after i did my song a couple people congradulated me, and one of them was an enby named █████. and we talked (and flirted o_0) for a while. they bought me a whiskey coke and invited me back to their place, which i declined only because i was on my period. so instead we set up a date for wednesday (the 19th) where we were just gonna have dinner and hang out. and this is the day i learned a few things about myself. one, that my attraction to men is in fact exclusive. i always said "ive never been on a date with an enby, i could be attracted to them sexually. alas, i was wrong. i loved talking to █████. we agree on and like so much of the same things. but the attraction wasn't there. so i told them the day after all that and that we'd be better as friends and they agreed. which is cool. i also learned that i'm terrible at guessing peoples ages because █████ was in their mid-30s. which isn't a problem at all really, im a whole ass adult. but if you wouldve asked i wouldve max guesses like 25. so uhhh,, yeah. this was also my first actual date with a stranger i have never previously known so i learned how i would act in that situation. and i learned that i am, above all else, still aromantic. which is awesome. like genuinely. its nice knowing that one fact is indisputable and unchanging. i love you aromanticism.

[01.03.25]

of course i come into work and ██████ is starting shit. why not just immediately ruin what is going to be my long ass day. "ohh this poor soul, they have to ride the bus!! thats why i had to do everythingggg this morning while i waited 10 fucking minutes for them to show up." i dont need anyones fucking pity.

[22.01.25]

i had a really long, and frankly personal, talk with █████ yesterday about his relationship with this girl and how he feels like he made her feel like he used her for her body and wants to see her again and the real fears of a young person in their first (sexual) relationship and love. to the point he cried a bit in front of me and i ended up consoling him. we talked for more than an hour about it and he told me basically not to tell anyone and he asked me for advice and i really tried giving him the best advice i can. i asked a bunch of questions about it and after he thanked me and we counted and when he gave me a ride home i told him the truth about what happened between me and ███████ because i kinda brought it up in the restaurant. and the role reversed for a sec where i vented and he was telling me what i should do. and i really enjoyed having that deep convo with him. it feels like we're good friends. but now im scared because im terrible at deciphering platonic feelings from romantic ones and i keep getting in my head about "are you attracted to this 17 year old kid ??? you sick fuck" and of course im not attracted to him romantically because, y'know, im aro, but im not sexually attracted to him either and still its like a recurring thought that i am a bad person for being friends with him and im scared that im a terrible person who's attracted to this young kid. and it doesn't help that i have dreams where he's kind of a big part of it and its not like anything inappropriate happens in the dream but it just makes my anxiety about all this worse. i used to think i was attracted to family members before i knew when i was aro and i was just experiencing close friendship bonds but its such a terrible experience thinking you're this piece of shit weirdo because you don't know the difference between romance and friendship. and its been so many years since ive been out that i thought i finally figured out how to tell, and i pretty much can, but situations like this still scare me like they did years ago. i don't want to be a bad person.

[02.01.25] - At home watching Psychology With Dr. Ana

i don't think my mother ever wanted to have kids. i think she had me on accident, or maybe she wanted kids but didn't know what that entailed. maybe societal expectations told her that abortion was wrong or she had to have kids. maybe she really thought she wanted kids. i don't think most parents should've been parents. maybe most is an exaggeration, but i do think a lot of parents were simply expected to have children and they just did it because their parents did it. and their parents did it. and their parents did it. i don't know if i hate my mom. im just tired. my life has improved so much ever since i stopped talking to her. every time she texts me or tries to talk to me it just hurts for so many reasons. i hate that she was once a decent parent. i hate that i have good memories with her. i hate that she gave me a taste of love and ripped it away from me. i hate that she never said sorry. i hate that she never listened to me. i hate that her love was conditional. i hate sounding like an angsty 14 year old again. i dunno.

2024

[16.12.24] - In bed listening to The Snark Tank

i swear to god everytime i try and get my friends to do something no one even fucking dignifies me with a response. and ive already been in a shitty mood because im fucking tired because i was the only host at the restaraunt today and it got busy and the owner was there and he always gets in the way and i was running around literally the entire night and i was bussing tables and getting the servers water. and so when i try and ask my friends if they're doing anything tomorrow and NO ONE ever responds to it it fucking sucks. and then my other friends do and they allllways get a response. i just wanna hang out. i dont know why no one ever replies to me. every single one of my friends went to college but me. i dont get to see my friends 99% of the time. they all get to hang out almost every single day and i never see them. and im not trying to blame anyone because im sure their families all wanna see them and everything im just frustrated. and it really does feel like its just me that no one replies to. idk maybe im just overreacting.

[10.12.24]

I feel like I've gotten to a point with my gender where I have kind of tried to find this all in tensive definitive label that I use and like that's that's just the end of it when really it kind of feels like I'll never have a definitive label and maybe that's not a bad thing necessarily like I kind of want to try just taking everything day by day because I don't know I like I like a lot of the trans masculine like I like a lot of the aspects of it and I I do really appreciate everything about that community but also I don't want to feel like a fraud every time I wear makeup and dresses and I know that that's like probably just an imposter syndrome thing and I'm looking too far into it but like I don't know some days I do kind of feel like not a girl but I just feel like being pretty I don't know and maybe I I guess I'm that means I'm gender fluid? I don't know but I feel like this line of thinking is probably going to make me a lot happier so I guess we'll see what happens

[09.12.24]

been thinking a lot of the United CEO killer a lot and fuck do people piss me off. giving more of a shit about a billionaire whos company kills literally thousands of people who are sick and hurt and he got to go back to a warm meal and soft bed every night. i hope more of this shit happens. as far as im concerned that guy is a fucking hero, whether its who the NYPD is claiming or not. im so fucking tired of the working class people being fucked by capitalism and doing nothing. he did something about it and i fucking applaud him i dont give a fuck.

[06.12.24]

█████ just told me about moms plans to take them and move them to fucking nevada. I don't think ive ever been this seethingly furious in a while. shes so fucking selfish and manipulative and tries to make it seem like she's doing it for them when really its so she can be a full time booty call for our fuckin uncle. █████ is a womanizing alcoholic with two DVs on his record. he's a fucking piece of shit for dating her and doubly for trying to make this happen to. i hope mom loses everything she holds dear to her. and i cant help but say "i was right the whole time" because even when she managed to trick ███████ into thinking she'd changed i knew the whole fucking time. really didn't want to trudge through traumatic events before work but i guess i have to now. fuck me.

i hope she rots in a home for the rest of her life. she still tries to act buddy buddy with me like i dont hear about all the shit she's done. its like she thinks im a fucking idiot. i hate her. if she actually follows through on this i seriously don't know how ill remain cordial. whatever. not like she has a problem putting her hands on me, why should i give a fuck??

[02.12.24]

is this what it feels like to be flirted with??? i literally have no idea but holy fuck that guy was actually so fuckin cute and he like. talked to me ?? sounds stupid but jesus he was actually so attractive. like i swear until he mentioned he was married i would've 100% asked for his number. this must be some sort of cosmic irony that the one guy who seemed mildly interesting to me who is my age is also married.

[19.11.24] - In bed listening to The Snark Tank

the winds are going crazy right now outside, im so glad that i charged my laptop last night cause otherwise id probably be sleeping right now. but anyways, i saw Rise Against a few days ago and it was literally the best show ive ever been a part of. the opener was good, but it felt like the guitarist couldnt keep up with the drummer so the rhythm was kinda fucked up. LS Dunes was pretty sick, they felt like if Deryck from Sum 41 was in a metalcore band. there were these two girls up front who clearly went their for them because they left right after and i didnt see them the rest of the show. which worked out in my favor because i could actually see. i was like 2 rows behind the front row and it was the coolest fucking thing ever. as soon as Rise Against came out people started pushing forward. i thought these two people behind be wanted to mosh because they kept pushing my back but they were just assholes who took my spot. but i didn't care because i was able to find the mosh pit and i moshed the rest of the night. got some battle scars from it too. the setlist was so sick because they played some songs from RPM which made me freak out. i fell down in the pit (twice) but people picked me up. i also severely underestimated how shitty white claws were because i got one halfway into LS Dunes set and i chugged it and it still did nothing. cost me 12 bucks too. like i wasnt trying to black out but damn i wanted to feel something. i didn't get any good footage really, but i think thats just a testament to how much fun i was having.

but anyways, about today since this supposed to be a journal. i was late to work today, per usual, and the wind was already getting pretty bad in the early afternoon. i knew it was going to get bad because thats all the weather was talking about yesterday. the lights at work kept flickering but i dont think it ever shut off completely. when i got to the Safeway though there were two separate times where the power throughout the whole lot went out for a few seconds and then came back on and one of them happened when i was inside which was crazy. since i cant heat anything up at home i got a chicken sandwich from the gas station and ate the soup i got at work. im basically gonna code until my laptop battery goes out. me and the cat have just been trying to stay warm in my uninsulated room.

[12.11.24] - At the library listening to The Snark Tank

went to ███████s work and gave him a coffee. i spent all morning talking to this person about securing an apartment and i finally have an aparment in my favorite seattle neighborhood ever !!!! ill finally have an entire apartment thats just mine, even if it is a 161 sq ft studio. ive spent the last hour just planning everything out because im moving out in early january. but im so fuckin excited.

[11.11.24] - In the bathroom watching oliSUNvia

███████ is mad at me because i didn't immediately go into a xenophobic rant about hispanic people from watching a dog commercial in spanish. as if the existence of a second language should've put me into a white hot rage. i argued with him about it for like 10 minutes because why tf are you so emotional over something like this??? after he put █████ to bed he said he was going to bed even though i know that he stays up to at least 11 pm every night so thats not true. whatever. im sure he'll be over it tomorrow. he literally cannot fathom that learning languages takes time and gets so upset at a latino dog. he wouldn't have had this reaction if it was in german because it doesn't feed into his xenophobic worl view about mexicans "infultrating" america and "expecting everything to change for them."

[05.11.24]

ive been freaking out the past week about the election but especially now because trump is going to win.. i literally dont know what im gonna do. im privileged enough to live in washington state, where most if not all my rights are gonna be kept. but i have queer friends in the south and midwest and i know immigrants at my work and project 2025 is terrifying even to someone who is going to be as far away from it as i can be. i dont want to live in a christo facsist dictatorship, i dont want my queer friends to be forcibly detransitioned or have to flea their homes, i dont want people to die in childbirth because abortion is criminalized. and im sitting here having to listen to ███████ watching fox news and hear lie after lie and talk about how people like me should not be allowed to exist. i cant fucking take any more of this.

[25.10.24] - At home listening to The Great Die-Off by Rise Against covered by Chris Ray Maldonado

this dude came in and complained that no one was at the host stand and he'd been waiting "forever" (couldn't have been more than 3 minutes because i had just been up there to put and order in) and then when i said sorry and brought him to a seat he said "no, no we're going to sit where we like" and moved to a table on the other side of the restaraunt. i am the only fucking host in the mornings and i had been tryin to a million things at once. fuckin asshole. i was half-asleep around 7 pm because i only got like 5 hours of sleep the night before. but ive got a lot done today which was nice.

[19.10.24] - Watching Dan Hentschel on Youtube

the lord is testing my fucking patience tonight because i am about to lose it. everyone wants to show up and say they have reservations and get mad at me when i have to fucking scramble to get something put together as if im the only fucking person in the entire god damn restaurant to deal with reservations.

usually the younger kids are nice but these 8 fucking high school boys were complaining the entire fucking time about "the table is supposed to be ready when you get there" when 1. they didn't have a FUCKING reservation, and 2. i was juggling a million different things all at once and now i had to get a table for a bunch of entitled kids who cant just give a bit of grace to someone who was on the verge of a mental fucking breakdown. and its not like its their fault that whoever took their reservation didn't write them down, or they got the wrong location and i know they're right and that the table probably should've been ready and it probably would've if i actually had a reservation for them. but they didn't. and i was trying to the best of my ability to get them a good table. and then my fucking manager takes the table i had set up for those 8 kids and gave it to a DIFFERENT party of 10 (which ended up being 15) that i had talked to earlier in the day and planned to sit back-to-back in some booths because we had nothing open when they'd called earlier. so now i had to deal with some passive agressive teenagers, a birthday party for a loud ass group of little kids, and my manager trying to micromanage the entire fucking host stand the entire god damn night. and then has the audacity to tell US, to "think on our feet" and not just "stand around looking at each other when a table needs a seat" when i was ALREADY DOING THAT. the only reason i didn't seat that 5 top is because she came in out of nowhere and sat a different table where i was just about to seat the 5 and since there was no other tables in the next servers section, i had to to seat out of order. AND THEN SHE TAKES THE 5 AND SITS THEM AT THE SAME SERVERS SECTION. SO NOW I HAVE TO SKIP HER AND MAKE EVERYTHING MORE COMPLICATED. and the ENTIRE fucking night i have to hear 1. customers complain about shit that I can't fucking control and hear █████ complain about problems she fucking started.

the only saving grace of this night is that me, █████, and █████ (and █████ and her bf) all went to get ███████ java and crumbl after work. i felt bad because crumbl was sold out when we got there and since me █████ █████ and the bf drove in one car we got ███████ first, but since crumbl was out █████ didn't have anything. he said he was gonna get something to eat after he gave me a ride so it was fine.

[12.10.24] - Hiding in the bathroom at work

are you fucking serious?? i finally start getting the hang of bartending but because i take one night off (not "call out", i got someone to fuckin cover me) to go to a show i only get four fucking workdays next week and NONE of them are bar training??? i am the only person at this shitty overpriced restaurant who actually does their job quickly with almost no mistakes. im gonna fuckin forget EVERYTHING about the bar and i don't even get 20 hours next week. and i cant quit because i told █████ i would try and get him a job there. and I'm getting kicked out at the end of the year, i need that fuckin bar tip money to survive. fuck █████, capitalistic bootlicking bitch. i want to chew her out so fuckin badly but i cannot get a job to save my life. "no one wants to work!!!" no one is fucking hiring. 4 different job interviews within 4 weeks and none went anywhere. i was lucky that one of them told me they were going with someone else instead of just ghosting. I don't know what the fuck im supposed ti do.

[08.10.24] - In the car

I can't imagine being such a hate filled person, i swear even the slightest annoyance and you're a "dumbshit" or a "fucking idiot" to him. so confidently wrong it's almost satirical.

[06.10.24] - Listening to Romina Kardashian by Sundogs

got like 3 hours of slept yesterday but i got like 11 last night so i guess it all balances out. work was fun, but it usually is when █████ and █████ are there. i still have a shit ton of leftovers from work and now i have another. paychecks have been a lot better since i started bartending, and tips have been great too which is nice. been keeping on top of my budget too. there's so many shows i wanna see in seattle oughgghg

[17.09.24]

trying my hand at this whole "meal planning" thing again, and by that i mean choosing what days to eat at home and what days to steal food from work. funds are tight because im basically putting everything into savings right now. thankfully i start bartending tomorrow, which means way better tips and more hours. the bar has a high turnover for employees and █████ has been kinda pushing me to it. i dont mind, i was already planning to anyways. my account is overdrawn by like $9 because of my fucking planet fitness membership (which i only took because they said if i re signed up they would waive my previous debt to them and not send it to collections). gonna bring my kittybank* to coinstar so i can hopefully avoid the overdraft fee. im halfway torn between being extremely stressed and really excited to finally be gone. i guess ill see how ill feel in 4 months.

*piggybank that's a cat

[07.09.24]

growing up and realizing how much i hate a lot of my family is always a wild experience. like, ███ is cool but he's so entrenched in right wing conspiracy theory shit that any conversation inevitably devolves into politics. █████ is inconsiderate of anyone who isn't him. he literally ate me and █████s food on vacation without asking and makes really gross comments about womens bodies. █████ is a drunken womanizer who has such terrible taste in women that he decided to date the nightmare that is my mom (which has so many layers of weird).

the show was really fun. knocked loose was such an upper of a band (hardcore my beloved) and slipknot always plays a sick show. the guy next to me, who came with his wife, told me i had an amazing energy. but not in like a weird sleezy way. i always get really into the music. it doesn't matter what section im in i am always headbanging like im in the pit (but not in an inconsiderate way, i never drunkenly run into the people next to me or anything). which is definitely not always the norm when you're sitting in the seats. and throughout the night the guy started moving around a lot more. so i think that's what spawned his compliment. but i really liked hearing that. i think that's probably one of the best compliments ive gotten.

[04.09.24] - In bed

my grandmother on my step-dads side has always hated me, which ive known, but she just told me i have until the end of this year to move out. i don't think she's said anything nice to me in the 7 years ive lived with her... but yeah. i have to leave soon, which is both a blessing and a curse. it's gotten me more motivated to apply for jobs again (i have two interviews this week), but it's also one of the more stressful moments of my life. not only do i have to:

1. get my car fixed (~$800)
2. find a second job (almost impossible in this economy)
3. apply and get accepted to the apartment ive been looking at
4. save enough money for the deposit and rent (~$3000)
5. pay enough debt off to where i don't get denied immediately (minimum $~600)
6. buy the necessities i need for my apartment, AND
7. figure out how to live on my own for the first time in my life

but i have to do it in 4 months. i've been downsizing my closet and trying to sell the clothes and other stuff im getting rid of (which you can find here in case you want to help a brother out). ive also seriously limited my spending and stolen as much food as i can from my job. i haven't been eating really well recently, and i think it stems from my money issues. i've never really eaten breakfast, so that hasn't really changed, but ive been eating like one meal a day. i might start shoplifting again, honestly. the cooks at my job are really cool and they always make me something when i ask tho. sometimes i feel like im using them because i talk to them so infrequently. i hope they don't think that.

i feel like my last few entries make it seem like i'm constantly mopey and depressed (which, to a certain extent i kinda am) but honestly life hasn't been that bad. i managed to get an appointment for my cat on Friday and my coworker paid me back $30 she owed me at just the right time because i can at least afford the uber/lyft ride to the vet AND ill be able to pay for it since friday is payday. work has been really enjoyable since me and my coworkers are all really cool with each other. i feel like in the restaurant industry you build a kind of comradery with your coworkers, and especially the ones that you're constantly around. like me with my fellow hosts.

i saw metallica a day ago which was really fun even though i was flat broke the entire day (i bought the tickets months ago). it was my first time seeing Ice Nine Kills which was so fuckin sick. i feel like the stars aligned perfectly, because my friend █████ got me a necklace set from hot topic that was Ice Nine Kills and i started listening to them right before that show so i knew at least half their songs. sometimes the universe is funny like that.

[03.09.24]

my cat hurt her paw a day ago which has been really stressful because im going to have to bring her to the vet but im flat broke and the vet doesn't do payment plans. i feel like an asshole complaining about this because i just took a 4-day vacation to vegas the day before which was a birthday present from my family. but i wasn't expecting my cat to get herself hurt as soon as i got back. and i don't know whether this is rooted in my childhood growing up poor but i have a huge problem with money. like it's so hard for me to save any money and im in so much credit card debt for someone who only makes $15,000 a year. im glad i didn't go to college because student loans probably would've killed me. i already had an appointment for a vaccine she needed but i have to wait until friday when i get paid. but it hurts so much because she's just been sleeping all day and resting (which is definitely better than her getting hurt again). she got out from under my bed and managed to come and cuddle me this morning, so i hope she at least feels a bit better. i have rent overdue too which is just more money i owe someone. my car is still broken. probably worse than i originally thought. before we left i parked my car on the street and it literally wouldn't move if i stepped on the gas. so my guess is that it'll be closer to $900 to fix. and i really love my car and i don't want to get rid of it but i might have to sell it just so i can get some cash. ive also never lived completely without my car before. i use the bus, but it was always on the pretense that i'll get my car back one day. the transit by my house is so bad that i have to walk 40+ minutes to get to the bus stop. and getting a job is so fucking difficult

[29.08.24] - In the hotel room on the floor

this is day 3 of my 4 (technically 5?) day vacation in Vegas. its hot as fuck here. █████ was so full of shit when she said id get used to it. oh well, im still having fun.

█████ got added to this trip last minute because my mom decides to cancel last minute. which, like, fuck is it draining. he takes shit he wants without asking us if he can have some but ███████ won't put his foot down so im just hiding my snacks by my bag. i really defended this guy from ███████, because he's a staunch conservative and aggressive towards homeless people, and █████ is homeless. and i feel like a dick for saying this but fuck is it kind of cathartic to hear him get told off, even if it's for the wrong reasons.

but anyways, back to the fun parts. i went to the hello kitty cafe which was super fuckin cool. i got there pretty late in the day so they were out of the hello kitty cookie so i settled on kuromi instead. for being a gimmick cafe their food and drink was actually really good which i appreciated. got a pin to commemorate the occasion. we went to white castle (and yes, it's because of Harold and kumar) and it was so worth the 20 minute walk. the sliders were great, but i don't know whether it's because they were actually great or whether i was just really hungry. after that me and ███████ went to a bar and i got drunk on some cocktails. one was a pineapple and rum thing, and the other was whisky and maple syrup. i didn't end up having to pay because this old guy paid my tab. he wasn't creepy at all, seemed like a cool dad/grandpa.

day 2 was what i was really excited for. i went to the Punk Rock Museum and took a million pictures. i also got a tattoo done there which was fuckin sick. my tattoo artist was so fuckin hot so i was more nervous than i usually am during my sessions (i will always fall to my knees for older punk men 😞). i overestimated how small the museum was so i had an entire hour to bum around before my appointment. ███████ kept letting me know how much i was being "ripped off" for it, but i tried to ignore it. if I hadn't done that i would've regretted it forever. this was the first tattoo i got to try the derm skin out on!!! i really prefer it tbh, i was able to use the pool and not worry about infections. it's also really fuckin well done, and for the work i think it actually was worth the price.

today we went to omegamart. it was mostly for █████ but i was excited too. i got my period literally the night before we left for this trip, and i don't know why but i couldn't put my menstrual disc in correctly to save my life today. i was mildly uncomfortable walking around but still had a lot of fun exploring the place with █████. i got a spray bottle with legs and a can of gender fluid :)))

[17.08.24]

im feeling a lot of things right now. im sick of anti-masculinity in queer spaces. im tired of cis women acting like we are the exact same and yet completely different. i am not a fucking woman. i am not woman-lite, i am not a girl or a lady or a part of some weird radfem sisterhood. im tired of thinking of my gender all the time. im tired of defining myself by what i am not. being a victim of misogyny doesn't make me a woman. society just likes to see me as one. as some butch lesbian. im tired of masculinity being seen as inherantly bad. im tired of my attraction to men being seen as bad. im tired of not being able to say all this without being called a TME. im just so fucking tired man.

[19.07.24]

there's a family that my family knows, as basically an extension of my family; the ██████ family. or, at least, the family im a part of now. my biodad has never really been in my life (i don't hold anything against him, i just never had a relationship with him) and my mom began dating my step-dad when i was 11, so for all intents and purposes he's just my dad. he's been involved in the martial arts scene since he was 13, and now he runs his own martial arts school. the grandfather of the ██████ family was my dads instructor, and a mentor for my dad. he died before i ever met him. he had a granddaughter, ████, who i used to be good friends with. she stayed at our martial arts school for years, before she moved across the state with her mom and sister. she recently reconnected with our family after around 7 years. last week i saw her for the first time in ages. shes a year younger than me. her and her younger sister watched my martial arts class and stayed after to talk. it was clear that me and her younger sister were the odd men out. ████ and my dad talked about their grandfather, my dads mentor, and the only thing i did was interject whenever there was a commonality i could latch onto. i felt an odd form of jealousy, hearing how much they respected and loved ████'s grandfather, my dads mentor, and how much they both share in that. i love my dad a lot, i respect what he's done for me and my two brothers, if it was between him and my fake-ally abusive mother, i would choose him every time. sometimes i wish i could've just been born the person he wanted me to be. there's a lot of insecurity rooted in this thought, i think. i'm a non-binary "libtard" anarchist who uses they/it pronouns. my dad is a right-wing conservative in every sense of the word. he doesn't use my pronouns, he calls me his daughter. when i saw him and ████ talk, it felt like he'd finally had the perfect daughter he'd always wanted.

me and ████ both have nearly cut all contact with our mothers. both of our mothers were abusive to us. both of our mothers are self-involved emotional brick walls. we share in that, but we're such fundamentally different people with completely different beliefs that i can only indulge in with basic ideas of "abuse bad." i dont like her self-help mantras, or definitive "you're X" or "thats X" or "youre feeling X" psychoanalysis of my situation when she really has no idea. i thought id be able to be truthful with her, but i dont want to tarnish her view of my dad with it, so i keep the focus on my mom and her alone.

i went out with ████ and her aunt and uncle to a noodle place in ███████, and in that moment i got a taste of what a truly accepting loving family is like. if i had wanted to, i probably could've asked them to use my pronouns and they probably would've done it easily (although that would've meant mentioning it to ████ and idk how she would've reacted). in the times where me and ████ are just talking about normal gen-z stuff and just joking around, we get along great honestly. but when she goes to tramadump on my dad about her situation, her granddad, her mother, it's like im not even there.

[13.07.24]

i am so fucking scared for the future like i am genuinely frightened. trump is trying to create a christo-fascist dictatorship and his audience is gonna be really fucking bolstered now that that stupid fucking photo is out. i have no idea what im gonna do. im so scared and i live in a progressive state, lord only knows how much that'll protect me. i dont think ill be able to handle a trump win and i cant fucking leave the country so what the fuck is anyone supposed to do.

[02.07.24]

oh my fucking god he literally believes any fear mongering he hears, hes like a fucking kid hearing about stranger danger. grown ass man too scared to step foot in a city. christ.

[31.03.24]

i love my friends so much. █████ just called me drunk at 1 am. shes so lovey when shes drunk. i dunno, i like calling them, since I dont get to see them often.

[??.??.24]

overheard a gu pastor at my work talking about christianity, but it wasnt anything crazy so I ignored it until he brought up "everyone and their safe spaces nowaday..." knew it would happen eventually

2023

[30.08.23] - Listening to Vietnow by Rage Against the Machine; At The ████ Café

Nice day out, cloudy enough to be nice and cool but warm enough to wear something light-weight. Found another swastika I covered up. Really dont know where they came from or whos doing it but whatever, they're losers.

Ive got another hour before I have to catch the bus again. I might stop by ███████S work on my way back.

[22.08.23] - On the ███ to Downtown ██████

Had to cover up a couple swastikas on the way to the bus stop today. The last one was hilarious, dude couldn't even draw it right. It looked like a bird. I didn't even bother with that one, dude already made himself the fool.

[17.08.23]

Got about t-minus an hour before my new job. Im a bit nervous, but I suppose thats normal. I think Im going to keep this job as separate from my life as possible. I dunno. Its only part time so I probably wont be there that long.

[02.08.23]

I havent brought out my bike for months now, I forgot how difficult it is especially with all the hills around here. I'm planning on ridind it tomorrow to my job interview at that italian pizza place. I DEFINITELY will need to find a better job later because $15 an hour is not enough to live on around here. Fingers crossed that one of my friends needs a roomie soon. Unless ██████ stops ignoring us and actually reads the GC, our original plan prolly wont happen.

[18.07.23]

Is there a word for when you have mommy + daddy issues? Is it just parent issues? Or is that reserved only for shitty non-binary parents?

[09.07.23]

Feeling like a loser right now. Not in the ironic cool-guy Nirvana way, but in the "my family thinks ill never amount to anything" way. I dunno. Im trying to move out ASAP but Im struggling to get a job. I just hope its not something I hate.

[05.02.23]

dude literally throws a hissy fit in the car and then tells me MY GENERATION is soft?!?! it's so fucking funny. a) why would i give a shit about what other people think of my generation? b) they are called STEREOTYPES for a reason, and c) this coming from a guy who whined about masks for YEARS?!?!?! i only have six more months before im out of here. so fucking ready for it. i seriously need to get the fuck out of here. he seriously can't have a discussion without getting all emotional and yelling.

[04.01.23]

my biggest fear is telling a partner i love them too early, because that word just... doesn't mean as much as it does for allo people.

[??.??.23]

i love when the consequences of my actions (now!) comes back to bite i continue doing them even though i am aware of how destructive it is and i can recognize it

i really fucking want that apartment and im not trying to hype myself up because i dont want to be disapointed if i dont get it...

but i cant help myself

2022

[06.11.22]

Watching "perks of being a wallflower." I like these cheesy rom-coms. Maybe it's because I like to imagine myself as the reformed loser. Or maybe its because I like to indulge in things I know ill never have. Then again, I always for make things more co pretensious than they are.

[03.11.22]

Sometimes I wish I would've gone to college. Everytime I think about it, though, I wonder what part of it I really like. Am I wanting to party more? Do I not like paying rent? Do I just miss my friends? Ive been thinking of going to ███. I want the college experience. I want to party, and drink, and get fucked up. I dunno. I feel like my life is just, me going through the motions. I dont do anything, I feel like my life is consumed by work. I just think that I tried to be an adult too fast. I dont. I'll sleep on it.

Maybe I'm just tired of people pressuring me to do something. But is it pressure If I believe it too?

[23.10.22]

Im moving out soon. Im excited, and scared, and anxious and relieved all at the same time. Im glad im leaving, though. As much as ill miss seeing my brothers everyday, im confident this is the right choice. Im tired of everyone

[21.08.22]

besides █████, it feels like im the only person in this house who isn't allowed to be irritated. i understand he is stressed, but i used that same reason and i was called out for it. not only did i get shit from █████ for telling him not to swipe the guys hoodie, have to drive home at 1 am at a gas station that took like 30 minutes to get to a pump, and find out that i have to go get the cat because someone let her out, i get shit on for being late and told that i had an attitude. no shit i had an attitude, i was fucking upset. but apparently i can't be upset. and mom is no help at all because she wants to play all high and mighty "just be positive." and sit on her high horse for it. at least i got the cat.

[11.08.22]

i miss him so fucking much. if i could go back in time and reverse my decision to block him the first time i would. i want nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms. god, i at least want to unblock him.

[07.08.22]

does everything i do fucking irritate him? we weren't being loud, he just doesn't like when we don't act exactly how he acts. but no, now neither of us can have fun because he's eMbArRASed. fuck off.

[06.07.22]

I've been thinking of meeting up with him again. If he even wants to see me. im so tired of sabotaging things because of my anxiety. i really enjoyed talking to him. he was so sweet. if he ever forgives me, id love to have a FWB of QPR with him. i think that my self-esteem is so low; thats why im always questioning things— if i even think of us dating, i think of all the things i should change about myself. god, im so selfish for wishing for him to want anything to do with me after that.

[09.06.22]

god, i miss texting him so much. just imagining what could've happened if things had gone differently.

[06.06.22]

anti-LGBT+ sentiment has seriously fucking skyrocketed over the last 3 months — a year

[13.03.22]

im just so tired of anti-lgbt shit, all i want is for us to have basic rights.

[18.02.22]

god are you fucking kidding me? i work my fucking ass off and he throws a fit because i forgot the self defense? suck my fucking dick, jesus christ. sorry not everyone is as perfect as you. fucking prick.

2021

[24.10.21]

ive been thinking about how weird it is that we're born to basically work until we die. college is actually a break from my job for once, and i used to loathe school.

[19.10.21 ]

jesus he's such a fucking prick. "waaah i know what i heard" go fuck yourself dickhead. at least i have a reason not to go to class. fucking asshole.

[16.10.21]

christ, why'd i have to wake up from that dream. it was the one thing i wanted in life with my dream crush and i fucking woke up when we were cuddling. i just feel so lonely. i dont know what to do. it was just so perfect and then i realized i was living in a fantasy.

[17.09.21]

this was such a fucking miatake god i should've never done that now i have to either block him out of nowhere or send him a reason why i cant talk to him. why am i like this why cant i just tell the truth. it hurts so much. god i sound so annoying.

[13.09.21]

god, i want to read what he said but my anxiety just keeps stopping me. maybe i should just rip off the bandaid. fuck, and that was me rambling at 3 am. shit

[30.08.21]

fuck, i think that was him. if only i hadnt lied to his fucking face like that. i cant fucking do anything and any text i get from him gives me so much anxiety. i just want to shut down my social media. should i tell him?

[07.08.21]

im the worst person alive. i literally made a child cry because i couldnt follow one rule. im so stupid, i feel like crying but i cant. i fucking deleted an entire mc world. i was just so defeated watching him blow up my house. it was so awful.

[29.07.21]

i can't stop thinking about what i did after i dreamt about it last night. fuck, i can't even listen to comfort audio without thinking about it. if i don't get therapy or something I'll probably be haunted for the rest of my life. its just so... gross... things ive said and done.

[12.07.21]

god today fucking sucks. not only do i have to hear constantly "you suck, you're stupid, oh my god your trash" from nearly everyone, i was lectured like i was a fucking idiot about driving. its like they think im stupid. fucking christ.

[10.07.21]

god fucking damnit i had to sit there for an hour listening to him threaten to shoot my favorite musician.

[10.06.21]

i feel good about this conversation. even though he was wrong about a lot, it was pretty productive. i kept my cool and i explained myself well. overall good. he obviously thinks they're losers, which is ok, but why does he care so much about other peoples lives? who cares about whether a twitch streamer has a partner.

[20.05.21]

holy fucking shit i was almost caught, i wouldve been so fucking dead if they had caught me. hell, they might still be trying to catch me. if they persue this any further then i am so fucked. id rather they catch me after ive moved out. im never shoplifting again.

I did something really dumb today. I went to Albertsons to go steal some food for lunch, but a lady caught me when I was going to put it in my bag, but she saw me hold the sandwich. Instead of just holding onto it like a regular person I STILL TOOK IT. if I had acted...

...like I dropped my money & couldn't pay, then the two ladies couldn't have said anything. I dont know whether they believed me when I said that I put it back, but im so anxious about it. I've never got caught doing it & it was so nerve wracking considering I also took a thing of KitKats... I don't know whats wrong with me. Why couldn't I have a concious about this ??? I know of all the bad things that can happen to me or others but it doesn't register in my brain or something. I'm stopping today. This was just a relapse...

I might make a poem about this.

[16.05.21]

god, can nothing i do stay in private? he wasn't even supposed to hear what i said, i only said it because he literally said the same thing within 30 seconds. but no, only i get in trouble for saying things. he'll threaten to break my stuff but god forbid i get a bit frustrated and say a bad word.

[07.03.21]

jesus fucking christ i cant stand this. i hate being here. i thought he would understand because he wasn't religious but he's just going with it. i hate how i can't ever say what i want to say because I'm afraid. i wish i wasn't afraid. i wish i didn't have to go to a church i don't believe in. i wish they could understand my side. if i told them what i really felt about politics, and religion, and what i really think im afraid they'd treat me like i was stupid. i wish i could WEAR WHAT I WANT. every time i come here i feel like an asshole. i don't hate the people here, i hate the religion. i respect their choice. sometimes i think he is afraid of going against my mom. i want to move out, but id miss them. i just want to leave and run home. i want to go for a walk but they'd probably make me stay. some really small stuff makes me just angry. it sounds trivial, but its just apart of the bigger problem. anything i say is automatically invalid because its "off the internet". they'll be reading one stupid conservative news article and think they know everything.